Arthur D. Hlavaty

Jonah

Tue, 04 Feb 2025 23:03:27 GMT

Donald Trump, who killed an entire football league by being Donald Trump,* is going to the Super Bowl. Will history repeat?

*Pearlman, Jeff (2018), Football for a Buck: The Crazy Rise and Crazier Demise of the USFL

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Doing it again

Mon, 03 Feb 2020 13:59:19 GMT

The man who destroyed an entire football league by being Donald Trump congratulated the great state of Kansas for the Super Bowl win by a team that plays in Missouri,

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Now I can enjoy the playoffs

Sun, 05 Jan 2020 12:36:34 GMT

THE PATSIES LOST!!!

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Consolation

Mon, 04 Feb 2019 23:01:37 GMT

In the 60s the NFL had a postseason game between the two second-place teams, called the Playoff Bowl. It was abandoned, presumably because it went against the American belief that There Is Only One Winner. This year it would probably have been more fun than the Super Bowl.

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Cruel, but accurate, comments on the Super Bowl

Mon, 04 Feb 2019 11:43:04 GMT

* "These teams are playing like they know whoever wins has to go to the White House."--Jess Dweck

* That was the sort of Super Bowl one is sentenced to.

* "I suppose it's possible to see a worse half of football, but probably only in Pop Warner."

* Like 4 hours of soccer

* "There's a room in hell where they play this Super Bowl over and over...."

* They invoked Andy Warhol in a commercial, and the game was like one of his early movies. Let that be a lesson to them.

Also, you can't prove it by me, but I'm hearing that they chose a halftime band that wouldn’t make the game look bad.

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“Life is meaningless and full of pain.”

Mon, 05 Feb 2018 10:49:29 GMT

George R.R. Martin on Evil Little Bill & the Patsies

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Panties in a Brady Bunch

Fri, 05 Jan 2018 12:08:47 GMT

So when I went to the Daily News website to read the penis-whitening story I just blogged, there was a story about one of America’s favorite white dicks: Tom Brady.

It seems that Brady wants to be the Patsies’ quarterback forever, with a grudging concession to age 45. Evil little Bill Belichick suspects he won’t last that long and wants a replacement ready. He drafted Jimmy Garoppolo in 2014 for that purpose. Garoppolo appeared to be so good that Brady got the owner of the team to trade him. He was right: Garoppolo has revivified the 49ers

We have all been here before. In 2005 the Green Bay Packers dared to assume that Brett Favre was mortal and drafted Aaron Rodgers as an eventual successor. Favre sulked, and when Rodgers did step up, he retired, then signed with another team, and wound up with the Packers’ deadly enemies the Vikings. Will we eventually see Brady in Jets green?

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The dragoon brought down the trucker

Tue, 15 Aug 2017 12:55:37 GMT

New names for football positions

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Taking the name seriously

Sat, 11 Feb 2017 14:23:47 GMT

Six New England Patriots, led by Martellus Bennett, decline to visit the jock sniffer in the White House.

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Bring us together

Tue, 31 Jan 2017 10:51:49 GMT

Something Americans can agree on: Hating the Patsies! (This week the Falcons are my favorite team.)

Thanx to Metafilter

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Sportsball

Mon, 24 Oct 2016 10:07:57 GMT

There are two philosophies of football: air warfare and trench warfare. I am of the former party: For me the ideal game is 80 passes, 80 points, last team with the ball wins. Last night I had the good fortune to be asleep whilst the Cardinals & Seahawks played the other kind: a 6-6 overtime tie. Of course, a Sports Illustrated writer was enraptured by it, calling it “hard-fought actual football.” I think it’s the sort of thing Donald Trump should be sentenced to watch.

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Panties in a Brady bunch

Wed, 05 Oct 2016 10:53:26 GMT

I don’t hate Tom Brady. I hate his team, I hate his coach, and I certainly don’t think of him as one of the good guys unfairly trapped in that milieu, like Martellus Bennett, but I don’t hate Tom Brady. I am a moderate.

Thanx to Metafilter

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Testing

Mon, 02 May 2016 10:21:43 GMT

Back in the 60s, education radicals said that the school system was merely a matter of teachers telling the kids Revealed Truths and then grading them on how correctly they regurgitated those doctrines on an exam. Oversimplified, of course, but yesterday’s satire is today’s news, and we now have a perfect example.

The NFL draft has just concluded. Alleged experts told us who should draft whom, and now they are grading the teams. But of course, no one knows anything about how well the teams drafted until actual games are played. After the season, a preliminary evaluation can be made, but it’s probably best to wait several years. So the experts are grading the teams on how correctly they regurgitated what the experts told them.

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Size

Sat, 05 Mar 2016 12:48:53 GMT

At the National Football League combine tryouts, quarterback prospect Jared Goff was found to have small enough hands to call into question his ability to throw the ball accurately. Because the NFL is a mature, civilized culture, no sexual innuendos have been hurled at Goff, and he has not replied with irrelevant brags.

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Correction

Tue, 09 Feb 2016 12:15:58 GMT

Fantasy Football Is Not Dungeons & Dragons for Jocks. It’s wargaming for jocks. And it’s for jock sniffers, rather than jocks, although there are actual NFL players who also play fantasy.

Thanx to andrewducker

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A Game of Balls

Mon, 02 Nov 2015 12:40:10 GMT

( football )

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Less worse

Thu, 30 Apr 2015 10:07:23 GMT

Today is the NFL Draft. I'm glad the wait is almost over, but I'm also wondering how long I will be able to continue putting up with the obvious moral squalor of my favorite sport and what it does to those who participate. I am also a Trekkie, and when I face criticism for that, I can always comfort myself with the knowledge that my favorite franchise is not Star Wars.*

So it is cheering today to be reminded that there is a worse alleged sport, one in which inflicting brain damage is directly the way to win, rather than a byproduct. (Even hockey has aims other than blunt trauma.) In news that should surprise no one, the best boxer of our time has discovered that the skills transfer.

While I'm at it, The NY Times did a follow-up story on the first round picks of the 1990 draft (the first one I watched), and John Scalzi relates it to his rookie class.

*But now the same guy is directing both, and I feel as if my team has signed a treaty with Von Ribbentrop.

Thanx to Metafilter, and Whatever.

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No, I just walk like that

Sun, 01 Feb 2015 17:55:50 GMT

The deflated-balls scandal, besides embarrassing Bill Belichick and letting headline writers unleash their inner 12-year-old, has helped us deal with the annual problem of two weeks with a lot less than two weeks' worth of interesting stuff to say before the Super Bowl. Let the game begin already.

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And they're playing against the Patsies

Sat, 31 Jan 2015 10:45:09 GMT

The Seattle Seahawks as Nerd City Jocks

Thanx to Metafilter

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Football gets one right

Mon, 01 Dec 2014 10:26:05 GMT

The St. Louis Police Officers Association is displeased that members of the Rams football team ran out on the field before the game with their hands up. The Rams went on to win 52-0, and none of them were shot.

Thanx to james_nicoll

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When narratives collide

Sat, 30 Aug 2014 09:55:56 GMT

Deep thinks about the two most interesting NFL rookies. My clouded crystal ball says that Michael Sam will do OK and Johnny Manziel will turn out to be Tim Tebow with lifestyle issues.

Thanx to Charles P. Pierce.

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NFL draft

Thu, 08 May 2014 12:54:14 GMT

After a longer wait than usual, we find out tonight if the first pick is Blake Bortles or Jadeveon Clowney. Cue Robert Anton Wilson saying, "I give my characters funny names?"

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Inability to defer

Sun, 02 Feb 2014 22:40:06 GMT

Our long national nightmare of waiting for the Super Bowl is almost over. Once again, we have overwhelming evidence that two weeks before the big game runs almost everybody out of interesting things to say about it. One sign is when they bring out an animal who allegedly can pick the winner. This year it's an ape who has picked six straight, thus impressing the living shit out of innumerates who think it’s one in a million, rather than one in 64.

Yeah, I know, it's me. Childish impatience. I also think they should go back to having the game at 1PM, so there's less wait, and I don't have to stay up past my bedtime.

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Finally said out loud

Fri, 03 Jan 2014 10:22:01 GMT

I was an NFL player until I was fired by two cowards and a bigot–Chris Kluwe

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Not entirely new

Sat, 04 May 2013 10:18:30 GMT

Vince Lombardi accepted gay players.

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